i’ve only ever done things the s&m way

i’ve only ever done things the s&m way. it’s such a barbaric approach to life, but i would swim all-day, seven days, sleep four minutes, do a 1000 craft projects, clean the house, cook enough food to feed brazil, write a novel and probably a movie, go take some photos, and play a 15-hour game of letter/words with lil’ flipper, and do some netflix binge watching all day, every day, until i dropped dead one hundred years from now — although one hopes, 100 years from now lil’ flipper knows all his words — with a satisfied sense of completion and yet, still, i would probably feel like i didn’t accomplish enough.

i hate a rest day. i hate them like poison. they are the worst kind of cruel punishment ever. i seriously want to kill them. i am an all or nothing sort of girl. i never do anything half way. i commit to everything 100% because, otherwise it’s just not worth doing. perfection is always my goal and i never achieve it. it keeps me going in the least healthy way possible, because my idea of perfection is totally insane. it’s completely impossible for me to get the sort of godlike result i expect from myself, a mere mortal — a busy, working mother of an active toddler, with a messed up neck and a largely bum knee. but i keep expecting it of myself. i am both the master and the slave, and it’s rarely, very productive.

but it’s the only way i’ve ever lived. i never took a moment to be kind to myself. to rest when i needed to. to sleep because i needed it, not because i was depressed but because i don’t deserve to rest until everything around me is perfect, and as we have clearly established, my idea of perfection is insane and a total impossibility.

there is no balance in life when you’re burning white hot 24/7. when your plate is literally overflowing at the buffet of life, because you’re a glutton for punishment. and that’s what not living with moderation creates, a life of punishment and craving the gluttony of self-abuse like sweets.

it used to be that i couldn’t get started. the idea of even beginning was too much, because everything was in such chaos. my body wasn’t perfect, why bother? my life wasn’t perfect, why bother? i wasn’t perfect, why bother? i couldn’t start until everything was PERFECT, but it couldn’t ever be PERFECT and that’s really infuriating.

now, i am so motivated, i’ve swung hard in the other direction. my energy is boundless. my drive unrestrained. my self-love off the charts. i want to do endlessly. i want to jam so much into the life i have left, because the life i have left is SO TOTALLY WORTH LIVING. now, i basically keep going, trying endlessly to catch astro on that treadmill, until i power down like rosie the robot. bam! i’m out. but it’s flip side of the same coin.

either way you slice it, it’s the same problem. doing too much, doing too little, it’s the yin and yang of the same issue. there’s never calm when there’s constant unrest. there’s never peace, when you can’t be still. as daniel tiger teaches us, “rest is best.”

i hate when a training day turns into a rest day, out of my control. i hate it! i can’t stop being cranky because it’s a real drag! i was supposed to rest yesterday, like i always do on fridays, but i spent my day doing honeydo projects around the house to exhausting results. today is one of my swimming days. but now, i can’t swim today, because i woke up with my eye lids half-glued open, sore throat, fever and a general pallor of death. i’m beyond frustrated with myself for succumbing to the disease that had been swirling around our family for the past week, because i thought i had outsmarted it with extra ginger in my green smoothies! ha! no such luck.

today, i must learn to know when enough is enough, when to fight and when to rest. my life lesson, the thing i really need to learn, is how to be moderate. how to do as much as i can with a positive spirit and be satisfied that the hard effort i put forth was sincere. that is enough.

screw yoda. there’s not just do, there is try. and trying really counts. try your best every day and then there’s nothing to feel badly about. perfection can be achieved tomorrow. today, the best that you can do is enough.

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